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Paradise of the Blind #10 ~ To Let Her Go

    I knew that she was now a gorgeous young girl. She could complete all of her chores perfectly, she could cook and clean. For God's sake she had got into college! I was no help for her. The few coins I gained were not worthy of a girl as enlighten as her. Sister Tam was a much better helper for her. I had to focus on my nephews. These were the reasons why I was being distant to Hang. Or these are the lies I tell myself.
    She reminds me too much of Ton, of my miserable days at the village, of the pain I felt all over my body, as if the air was made up of needles pinching me at each second. If I cannot let go of her, I will never be able to let go of my past. She is going away in ten days anyways, I must get used to her absence. Since I'm now determined to grow up my niece and nephew, nothing should block my path, not even Hang.
    I felt like I was becoming the person Tam became: greedy and obsessive. And the problem was that I did not feel bad about this. If I was going to be able to serve well for my family, I was ready to give up my valuable characteristics.

Paradise of the Blind #9 ~ Final Overview

   Like I've said in my preview, I had never properly read about Vietnamese history. This insightful story of Hang's family truly enlightened me about the life many people led during the times of the communist regime.
   I really enjoyed hearing about those times from many perspectives. With Hang, I got to think about the events from a clear, objective, and stubborn point of view. From Que's eyes, I saw the sorrow that weakened a women dedicated for her family. Ton's short lived life with shame reminded me how important it is to stand straight in life, even is people's words are too heavy to carry, I must never let other's pull me down. In contrast, Tam showed me how revenge can make a person go delirious and how even in the worst times with the worst people and faith, one can get what she wants if she is willing to work hard enough. Chinh actually presented me the communist dream, maybe even blind commitment.
   The blog post task also made me feel alert while I was reading the book since I was constantly trying to sympathise with Que. This helped me keep track of the events so that I wouldn't miss important information that might be presented about my character. Overall, I liked the flow of the book that gave insightful historical context from different points of views.

Paradise of the Blind #8 ~ New

   Later on, I realised that Tam's demands gave Hang strength to be studious. I've become ill, but Hang took great care of me. Seeing that my girl could stand on her own feet gave me power to get back on mine. I knew that Hang did not need me anymore. She was much better off without my help.   If I was not going to help Hang, I needed to help someone else. Without purpose, it is arduous for me to feel strength.
   My illness reminded me of my nephews. They were also weak because they weren't getting enough nutrition in their home. I was the only family member who could help them. This would be my new motive. It was time that I put aside the powerless me. My blood needed the hardworking me. Like a blossom that opens up its flowers at the end of spring, I've decided to shake off this sickness and start building a better life for my niece and nephew, before its too late.    Hang stopped by the market to say goodbye, and did so. I've wanted to let go of Ton for so long, that seeing her go away actually let me feel relieved. I understood that love was not enough to keep a person close to you. This realisation put a smile on my face as I put away old memories. Now, it was time for me to start living with a new purpose.

Paradise of the Blind #7 ~ Secure

   As I watched Sister Tam breathe revenge, I wondered if one day I'd become like that. Would I really feel that much hatred that I'd be willing to endlessly buy and spend? I've never been able to understand the gluttony people have. Aren't life and the people we have in it enough for us to enjoy?
   Tam had prepared a feast for as, as abundant as it might have seemed, I've later realised that it was actually representing her overflow of joy, her never-ending affection and connection for Hang, who was the last drop of blood from her family. When Tam loaded Hang with tasks so that the Tran family could be proud, I felt my brother's orders flowing through my veins. I did not want Hang to go through the same miseries I had to, just to serve my family. Yes, family is undoubtedly important. But isn't family supposed to help one another, like Vi's family? If even the closes people to you, your family members, are giving pain to you, how can the agony rolling on the streets relieve the obligations hurled on you? 
   I had to prove Hang, prove Tam, and prove myself that I was worthy of something. I needed time to rejuvenate my soul and my body. Would time heal these pains caused by love? Why is it that love, the most beautiful feeling a human being can sensate, had to be one that must be endured? Hang was my daughter and mine alone. I didn't have Ton to help me and I did not want Tam's monetary help. I wanted to build a roof for my daughter so that she could feel secure. I knew that I seemed weak in front of Hang, so I needed a concrete proof for her to trust in me. If Tam could get rich, so could I. I know that this desire is not gluttony. All I want is to see a genuine smile on my baby's face.

Reflections of Yesterday on Tomorrow

   Writing a simple reflection of your thoughts, or even simply your day, can add a lot to your life. 

   As I look back at my old essays and read on how I raved about my problems, I smile with content. I feel somewhat proud when I see that I've gone through my problems and became a stronger person. Although I wouldn't call my life at this age and under these pleasant conditions problematic, of course, it is still not perfect. It should not be. Perfection is a flaw, and imperfection penetrates the beauty that is not visible from the surface. 

   I've always enjoyed writing since as I go on with my sentences, I notice feelings or join dots I was not aware before. My flow of thought automatically adds on to my syllables to reveal profound insight I had not exactly realized yet. 

   I wish to, one day, look back on these few paragraphs and remember the importance of reflecting on my life. Just to make sure that I am keeping up with it and not missing out on the beauties  words are ready to present daily. Because wouldn't it be disgraceful for yesterday if we missed out on today to prepare for tomorrow? 

Paradise of the Blind #6 ~ Guaranteed Future, Sealed Past

   "... think about rejoining the ranks of the proletariat. It's a guaranteed future..." My brother announced his thoughts bravely, strictly, decisively, and demandingly once again. He had once more made decisions for me, before asking me. He saw these suggestions ask 'tasks'. He saw family as a 'duty'. His cold blooded and inconsiderate personality were products of these ideologies.
   Although I try to stay close to our traditions and family values, Chinh coerces me to stop caring about family with his callous remark about my life. He does not realise anything or anyone but himself. But it is my fault that he is so self centred. When mother and father died, I should have raised him to become a helpful citizen. If I had not neglected my duties, maybe he would not be so obsessed as he is now. Then maybe my life would have been much simpler. But it is too late to live with regrets. When you are in a state in which the only action you can take is towards the future, taking a second to look back can make you miss your train for a beautiful destination.

   Sometimes, I create buds of hope within me. Maybe some day, somehow, they will become flowers with myriad hues of colours. No matter how many of the flowers will be able to host ephemeral butterflies, I like to continue on hoping that life, at least Hang's life, can and will be prettier. No matter who or what comes in the way of it, no matter how many trains I miss because of my undeniable past and family relationships. 

Paradise of the Blind #5 ~ Die Away

   Truth has always hurt me deeply: that hope and love could never last forever, that the love I have for Ton was not enough to keep him alive. For all these years, I've thought that it was faith that kept us away from each other. I believed that he wanted to be beside me, but his faith had blocked his path. Now, I know that he was just not willing enough.
   Knowing a lie, believing that his death was caused by malaria, was much easier to live with. As Sister Tam said so, this story had fooled me, and I was ready to give credence to such a cliche event. I have always been an ingenue person, at least in situations concerning Ton. Tam also told me that he had probably went down to Muong to ask her wife, pronouncing this word when it is next to another women's name shatters my heart into pieces every time, it he could, with permission, help me with our newborn daughter. But after their probable fight, since Ton cannot bare shame, he must have bared death. How easy it is to take away a person's life, while creating and building upon one is the hardest job I've ever had to do? How can death and life be so far ends, which connect every moment? My endless thoughts flowed like my tears, neither did I know how to stop them, nor did I want to.
   I let out all of the strength I had inside me fight with my feelings but at that moment when I learned that Ton made my life miserable just because he could not bare shame, and that my dear Ton had took away his own life, the only one I know to be so precious and full of love, completely because of my own brother. My brother had once again made my life demeaning only because he cared for his own.

A Week of Patience

                                                                                                          Monday, May 12^th

At around 3 pm this afternoon, I missed carrying around by baggage in the train, which was the most tiring job of yesterday; little did I know that my bags would feel like feathers when compared to the myriad sizes of wooden planks I had to carry today. After a tiring road trip that made us go from bus to plane, then to another plane, a six or eight hour long slow and monotone train ride, and a final bus ride in that felt like a rollercoaster, we had a good night sleep. I thought that yesterday was tiring, but after todays work under the cold breeze, I am certain that I will sleep like a baby.

When we first got next to the house, everyone immediately found a job and started working. We were all so excited to use the tools that were in our hands that I remember when Marius, one of the family members who will like inside the house we are helping to build, was trying to explain what to do, our hands were automatically repeating his actions. I was so concentrated and devoted that with amazing speed and technic, I took off about twenty pieces of wood in what felt like five minutes. But afterwards, I had to help take of the wires or the horizontal wood pieces, which were both very hard tasks that either needed great skills or decisive strength; I had neither.  So, I started to carry the pieces of separated woods and carried them on the cart. I would get Emma or Deniz to load the wooden planks on my arms that were open and ready to receive the pieces: perfect 90-degree angle, open hands, arms tight and strong. I would always say: “Put on some more, I can carry more!’’ and I would. This ‘beast mode’ as we call it, went on for about two to three hours.  Then, I started to feel the sweat of excitement turning into sour muscle pain. I still wanted to do as much as I could, but when I tried to pull of five different woods nailed into concrete, and none of them kneel down, I gave up. For a long period of time, I would carry newly separated pieces of wood onto the carrier. Whenever I got tired, I would with either chat with Viviana or be amazed at Marius’s never ending power was drawn from undying willingness. During the last hour and a half, that was what I did while I was watching the guys trying to complete a room’s work while Marius was already done with two other rooms.

But after all, his dedication comes from his hopes and dreams. He is, at the end, going to live here with his family. He will be living his greatest memories inside this house, with the people he loves the most. He is working this hard, just because he loves his family so much. And us, we aren’t just helping him build a concrete house; we are helping him build his abstract life. With last year’s group’s on one side, and a completely green land with cows and dogs on the other, I stand on the concrete base of a house, which is one the most basic need of a human being, that many in our dreadful world cannot have. One foot on a wall, the other on the next one after the gap in between, I ask myself: will the gap between the poorest and the richest get smaller if the work together?

                                                                                             Tuesday, May 13^th

With the sun in the sky, we put away our sweaters and wore our short-sleeved shirts while getting ready to work. But before going to the construction site, we visited a local elementary school. We attended the fourth grade’s class and watched them shoot smiles at us. They had prepared hand made cards with quilling art on them; and their parent also had prepared hand made baked goods.

After taking pictures, dancing, and listening to Deniz play the violin, we walked between the streets of the village to go to the Habitat office. Today, there were two jobs we had to do: shoveling and removing nails from the wooden planks. They both required a lot of patience, which is something I lack. After shoveling for half of the day, and not feeling like the mud pile was going to ever finish, I started pulling nails out. That also did not feel like it would be completed. I hope tomorrow I’ll have some more patience.

                                                                                        Wednesday, May 14^th

When we arrived at the site, I was very eager to work. Even though my wrist was hurting, I immediately started removing left over nails. Michaela and Marius, representatives of the two families that would be living in the duplex house we were building, had lined up the wooden planks from the previous day. After seeing that, I was motivated to do some more work. We finished all of the longer planks and I felt extremely satisfied.

Later, I went to the construction site to help with the shoveling. By the end of the day -or actually by lunch, we had completely filled in two rooms and were half way through the second pile of mud. Today was much more satisfying since I felt content with the work we had done.

Thursday, May 15^th

Neither the weather nor the puddles of muddy water around the duplex today were convenient for us to continue shoveling. So, Viviana gave us an alternative job. We were to start and complete on the interior isolation of the floors of the two rooms in each house that last year's group worked on. I was excited for this new job because I had had enough of shoveling.

We started the day with a minute of silence for the people of our nation we had lost in Soma. Although this created a negative mood for us, it created the determination to work. When we went into the house, I remembered how I felt when we visited our new house at the end of first grade. The construction was not remotely completed yet. There were pieces of stone all around the house. We had gone to decide on the room assignments. I tried to look at the guy who was going to live here-I think his name was Marcus- to see how he was feeling at that moment. After all, he was finally going to get the live in the house he had been building hope on.

With the remembrance of that happy feeling I got, I started learning the application process of the concrete on the styrofoam. Marcus showed us an example at the beginning. The more I did, the better I got. This might sound like an obvious and simple statement but it meant a lot to me. Because building on the skills that I had, or actually just learned, helped me realize that in life, we can always learn a new skill, new information, or even a new feeling from anyone, no matter if he or she is a teacher, a worker or an organizer. The more technical movements I made while spreading the concrete, the more I felt satisfied with the work I was doing. Then, when I saw the pile of mud laying outside, I realized that we had gone through a lot of it even though it did done feel like it at the time.

Overall, I know that what we have unconditionally done had helped four other families that need this financial and spiritual support. I am so glad I got to be a part of the rejuvenating experience.  

Paradise of the Blind #4 ~ Rivers of Tear

   On the way to the boat that would take us to my past, I saw that Hang had fell asleep on my lap. Her beauty bewildered me. Every soft touch of hers' reminded me of Ton's delicate love. I felt a fast tear drop on my blushed cheeks, and fall off to Hang's. I held onto her so tight; I feared that if I let her go, I would lose her too. When she started to move from right to left in shivers, I woke her up.
   She must have seen a terrible nightmare, like when you see starts blinking for a while and filling you with hope, then fading away for ever, taking away every dream you've ever had. Her dreadful dream was my reality. I live in a nightmare I'll never wake from. I would not let her be sad, even in her sleep. So I began to scare away the bad souls around her with a song I had learnt from a Nun. I didn't know what to believe in anymore. All I cared for was a smile on Hang's face. Unlike mine, she had youth and places for many more smiles. I knew that I would never be rejuvenated again, so I had let my young skin die away with my joyful soul.
   As Hang asked more questions about her father, I couldn't hold my tears that soon became a river. I knew I was not enough for her. I knew that my love and care was not enough. All the affection I had was washed away in the river, near which I was fishing for crabs and talking to Tam, when I learned that Ton had to escape, and take away all his love with him. Later, as I watched Hang run towards the river, I longed for the youth and joy I've missed ever since I've stepped away from the river in my old village.

Paradise of the Blind #3 ~ Drops of family

   All I can do now is to leave. Nothing else can save me from the daily pain of breathing the dusty air; it is filled with pain, sorrow, and hatred and seeming order of authority. Why can't people just be? Why do some of them feel the need to 'correct' others?
   I've never forgot these thoughts ever since I've moved to Hanoi and gave birth to my dear Hang. The love I have for her is as simple as my life at the moment. All I ever do is for my little girl: I wake up, prepare food, sell it, and then bring home the paltry money I make for whatever need she might have. I have learnt to live simply. Ever since the horror my brother made me go through, I've put an end to unimportant needs in life; the midnight tears, the hatred that I've been feeding, the hopeless hours overflowing with misery-I had ended them all. Until, Chinh showed up at my door again, after ten years.
   I had to listen through stories of his 'revolution'. How the society is being reformed to a better one for all. How the proletariat and the peasantry are the only two idealised persons, and how I should stay away from merchants in this time of struggle between capitalists and communists. I have, for many times, doubted that he was the latter one. His actions did never seem selfless to be. I never saw him, as I did many others, suffer for his life.
   Anyways, I had to be polite, since he was of my blood. Although the only last drop of love I had for him was because we were a family, he did not seem to give importance to this. As a matter of fact, as we were talking about out parents- God let them rest in peace, he told me that these were nonsense in "a materialist age". He said "after death, there's nothing". At that moment, for a split second, I wished I were dead. But for Hang's sake, for the sake of Ton's memory, I took a deep breath.

Paradise of the Blind #2 ~ "Maybe my flower has perished; hence, I'm a rotten fruit..."

   It really ought not to be this complicated, dear carambola tree. You, as a tree with flowers that look like products of an origami master, why are you this intricate? Do all products of beauty have to be complicated? And what about love? Does love ought make one miserable? That is not what I used to believe...
    Then there is family love. This, I truly thought, would be simply giving and loving. Oh how terribly mistaken was I! My brother, Chinh, tells me not to be selfish when all he does is steel drops of my life to add onto his. His disturbed idea of egalitarianism does not seem to include my existence. He took away the only person that nourished me in this life. He took away my darling Ton. Now, since there is no one to nurture me, hence, I am a dying flower. Lovely cactus bushes, how can you live for so long with so little love? What has life given you that you chose to live? Oh beautiful guava tree! The inside and outside of your fruit are perfect contrasts: red and green, like Chinh and I. But they live along merrily, how?
   Teach me dear sycamore tree, how can you open up your leaves to a sun that seems to me smiling, but burns your soul? How does it feel to be immobile and to simply observe? I am now one of you. Nothing I say is heard, nothing I feel is felt; I only physically appear. My soul is perished.